Danica "Partick" Does it At Last

Almost two years ago, I offered my considered opinion on the ESPN-engendered charade that was Danicamania. Well, Danicamania is back, because she's now a winner, first to cross under the checkered flag at the Indy Japan 300. Here's Partick as a winner, fiercely working her first money shot.

(AP Photo/Katsumi Kasahara)

While this may not be news to you, or for many perhaps, I have an odd affinity for Danica Partick stories. It's gotten to the point where I can't even spell her name correctly, as you may have noticed (most don't). Seem strange? Let me explain.

Every visit to this website is tracked, and it's done for free through a service called stat counter. The service lets me know who comes here, and how they got here (keywords, search engine, etc.). BFD, right? Well, it also serves as my window to the world wide web. And what have I learned by looking into that window?

Of all the admittedly brilliant essays I've composed, the most popular on the web is my Danica Partick post. Nevermind that my other essays skillfully characterized Bush as a modern-day Richard III, provided piercing insight on The Curse of Rocky Balboa and presciently unveiled our neighbors' phantom wealth. Instead, it was an isolated incident in which I published an unedited piece misspelling Patrick as "Partick" that has brought me my small share of Internet renown. You can imagine my horror. The web, however, smiled at my spelling mistake and has since kept that essay as a consistent first page reference on Google for every person on the planet innocently making the same "Partick" error. For those of us who champion proper spelling, we can be comforted by stat counter's recognition of my essay on amending the Constitution as my second-most read item. And, after much reflection, I've come to appreciate my "Partick" visitors. So, now that my steadiest readers, as well the at marginally dyslexic Partick typers, have come in big numbers, here's my take on her victory:

Certainly having suffered since the halcyon days of Danicamania, Dainca is now primed to be an even bigger star. In 2006, the date of my original post, Dania had over 3600 Google news mentions after finishing eighth the Indy 500, the IRL's top event in the United States. Her recent Indy Japan 300 victory has only garnered 2371 Google mentions for the past week, though the decidedly uncelebrated Sam King is ahead of the herd in suggesting that Danica's critics simply won't be satisfied with one victory every three years. Even Detroit now has Partick defenders. A seemingly female commentator took the brave step of dismissing the Anna Kournikova analogy only moments after Danica's victory, writing "Although it would have been nice for Patrick's first win to have come on home turf in America - and in prime time - there should be no more comparisons to tennis' Anna Kournikova, who built a reputation based on glamour but never won a title, despite coming tantalizingly close several times." Didn't hate on Anna explicitly, but clawed her implicitly-- how very feminine for Steve Herman.

Though I certainly don't aspire to argument with Sam, Freeps or the Stevie Herman, I'm afraid that the more likely truth is that Danica's victory was cleverly timed to correspond with the impending Indy 500. To recap, Partick didn't lead the race for any extended period of time-- the lap leader pitted for fuel with five laps to go, and Danica passed the new leader, Helio Castroneves (yes, the "Dancing with the Stars" guy), with only two laps to go, and only after Castroneves slowed down to conserve fuel and finish in a top position to preserve his spot atop the standings in the nascent IRL season.

After the race, a likely prodded Castroneves quipped "with five laps to go, I was saving fuel,... when Danica passed me, I realized she was the leader. She did a great job, passed me fair and square and that shows you how competitive our series is." Helio rehashed the same quote later, but a bit more "on-message", explaining "In recognition of Danica's talents, she did a good job. She passed me fair and square," Castroneves said. "I didn't have enough fuel to fight with her and I guess it's part of history. She was very competitive."

Patrick has improved her craft over the last few years, finishing seventh last year in the overall IRL standings for 2007. Still, the Indy Japan 300 was a bittersweet victory at best. Imagine a first PGA victory for a well-publicized upstart against Tiger Woods, where Woods, after watching his playing partner hit the green for a tournament-winning birdie attempt, lays up on the 18th to protect his lead for the future prospect of a season title. While the upstart still has to make the short putt, that putt does not make him a hero or provide any honor to his victory.

Viewing the Danica victory in the same context, it seems all too convenient coming in time for the Indy 500. But don't believe me, check ESPN or your local sports newscast on the morning of Memorial Day, and I'll bet you'll be barraged by news of Danica's victory in the Japan 300, as well as numerous glamour shots to induce some hillbillies to buy Axe body spray.

As the video below from The Racing Capital of the World indicates, Partick better keep her heel to the floor if she wants to survive in Indianapolis. Rumor has it that Jessica Vasquez will be out in time to compete in the 500, maybe in the McDonald's car. Told you that bitch was crazy.

Wonder who's she supporting in the upcoming primary? Her party affiliation is irrelevant, as Indiana has open primaries (well, sort of).

I may travel to Indianapolis for the festivities, financing the trip through sales of "Past is Prologue" t-shirts. Be sure to check back later for pictures. To save both of us time, I'll monitor the "Partick" counter and report back after Memorial Day. Until then, you can worry about our lesser problems.